Torn
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: Jac finds herself in an unexpected situation which causes her to reasses her life


I sit here on the hard plastic chair, my back aching and butterflies fluttering inside my churning stomach. I can't look around the room at the others. Instead I stare down at the fingers which play idly with a ring on my right hand, anything to tear my thoughts away from what brings me here. Anything to stop me thinking about you.

How did I end up here? me of all people? Cold. Untrusting. Never one to let anyone close to me. A person probably more vulnerable than anyone would ever guess. I'm not this stupid. I shouldn't be here. I shouldnt be in this...I just shouldn't be here at all, but I am. It's all such a mess, and you are caught in the middle.

When I was younger it felt like nobody wanted me. I was shunted from foster parent to foster parent. I don't think there was ever anywhere that I felt truly happy, or that I ever felt loved. Because of that I learnt never to love, because every time I started to, everytime I dared to trust someone they sent me away, to the next home, to the next unloving parent, until in the end I became unloveable, untrusting, so protective of my feelings that I learned never to show them, never to indulge them, for fear of being hurt like that all over again.

It's not healthy. I know that. But its safe. It's how I survive. It's how I can live with the scars and the dull pain I feel day in and day out knowing how alone I am. You could fix that, I know you could, but you wouldn't want me. You wouldn't want someone who has to learn how to love you and how to be what you need. I never had anyone to show me how to love, how to be a parent, how to take care of another person. I couldn't put you through that. I couldn't put myself through that failure, of seeing myself hurt you, of waiting to feel a love that may never come because I've been stripped of it. I couldn't look at your sad face knowing how much I was hurting you just by being the woman that I've made so many people despise. You're better off this way. We both are...aren't we?

I feel tears prickling behind my eyes and I quickly blink them back. I can't cry. Not here. Not in front of all of these people....other people in the same position, some nervous, some forlorn, others in hysterics.

I haven't been able to stop myself crying lately, not since I found out about you. I've been so torn...so unbelievably torn that it shocked even me. I thought I'd just want it over with as soon as possible if I ever found myself in such a position, but I didn't. I had to think.

It wasn't an easy decision to come here. I want you to know that. I thought about it a lot longer than I probably would have if it wasnt for the fact that you're his and I do love you...maybe a tiny little bit, because I made you...we made you and against all belief you're nestled inside me, the most spiteful woman in the hospital, making me a mummy...but I decided to come...and I am so incredibly sorry.

It doesn't matter that I'm in awe every time I think of a little person inside of me who is going to have ten little fingers and ten little toes, all that matters is that I know I'm going to hurt you. I'm going to be bad for you. I'm going to be too scared to love you and to raise you. I'm scared that you're going to hate me like I know they all do. It doesnt matter to me if they hate me, but it would matter to me if you did, my baby, my little one. I'd never want my child to hate me or to feel as unloved as I did growing up. I couldn't bear it. I could never bear to hurt my own child the way I've been hurt before.

"Jacqueline Naylor?"

I look up as I hear my name. Part of me prayed that this moment would never come. No matter the decision I've made its still so hard to face up to whats going to happen in that room. I'd rather stay like this forever, sat here in limbo, with you inside me, my unborn child, not subjected to me, nor to others opinions of me, just there safe inside my womb where neither I or the world can hurt you....not about to be taken from me by my own choice, just there inside me always.

I slowly get up off the chair and follow the nurse into the room. As she leaves me to change into a gown I find myself looking at my still flat stomach where you are and I feel the tears threaten to fall again. I feel my hand drawn to you, my fingers gently resting on my belly, but I quickly snatch them away. I can't get attached. I can't feel maternal because I can't have you. I cant carry you and give you away, that would tear me to pieces, but I can't carry you and keep you either because that would tear you to pieces.

I wouldn't be a good mother. Your father...he would adore you...if he knew about you I know that he'd be here calling me heartless and begging me not to go through with this but I couldn't tell him. I didnt want to put him through the revelation that he's going to be a father just to tear it away from him again and I couldn't bear that he would beg me to carry you and then he take care of you because it would torture me seeing someone else giving you the love that I can't. I wish I could carry you, I wish I was that brave, but I'm really not. A surgeons what I'm good at but a mother?

The nurse comes back in and I sit down on the bed as she explains the procedure to me. My head is spinning and I cant focus. All I can think of is the day that i realised I was pregnant with you.

As I think back my stomach turns and I know I'm going to be sick. One of the many joys of being pregnant. The nurse is one step ahead of me and hands me a bowl which I promptly fill with the contents of my stomach.

I hadnt even realised that I was pregnant for at least two months after I slept with your daddy. I was tireder than usual and more tearful, i'd even been sick a couple of times but it didn't really click. I didn't even think about the missed periods because I've never really been that regular. I guess I just thought it would never happen to me. I was immune to motherhood or something because I just wasn't the maternal type. Then one day the morning sickness hit me with full force and carried on for too long for me to keep brushing it aside. One day when I had my head down the toilet for what must have been the seventh time since trying to do rounds I decided enough was enough and listened to the nagging voice that was trying to tell me about you. At the first quiet moment I took a test into the staff toilet and spent the longest three minutes of my life praying for it to say not pregnant. My wishes weren't to be answered though as when the time was up the test told me about you.

The one word 'pregnant' changed my life forever. All I could think of was the tiny little baby that was growing inside of me and how unlucky you were to have gotten stuck with a mother like me. The minute I saw that word I knew you'd be better off without me no matter how much it hurts me to think it...because it really does...it really does hurt me. No matter how cold or hard people think me to be you're a life, one that I made, one that I'm carrying, you do mean a lot...you mean everything.

Being in foster homes, being passed around, missing out on a childhood makes a person want to give their own child such a good life...to give them all the love they never got, to give them the mother they never had...but what if I can't? thats why I'm here isn't it? because when it comes down to it I don't think I can. Even if I get through this pregnancy, which also scares me to death, then I have you as a part of my life for the rest of it. What if it's too much? What if I'm too selfish? and what if I can't deal with what everyone else thinks of me throughout this pregnancy? it would make it so hard on both of us. I just don't know if I can do it. Maybe I am too selfish.

I think about all of the times that I have refused coffee, been careful in xray, gone to bed early just to get some rest, made sure I've had a proper meal and avoided confrontation, even in the past three weeks while deciding to have a termination. I think about all the snide comments that I know people have been making while I've been pale and suffering with morning sickness, struggling through my shifts as my back has ached and my stomach has churned, and the way I have ignored it all for your sake because its all for a reason. Its all because of my baby.

I then think about all of the times I've found myself wondering what you'd look like, whether you'll have my red hair or your fathers dark hair, his eyes or mine, whether your first word will be mama or dadda, what it would be like to feel you kick and move inside of me and to see your pictures on the ultrasound machine. I wonder how it would feel to hear your heartbeat for the first time, what it would be like to hold you for the first time after giving birth, how it would feel to breastfeed you and sing you to sleep, to help you take your first steps. I even wonder what it would be like to finish a shift and to have you waiting for me, wanting a hug off your mummy and what it would be like to cuddle up to you in bed when you're older and read you a story until you fall asleep. They're things I always thought about when I mused about the child I believed I was never going to have.

I think about you every second baby .I just wish that I knew that I wouldn't be such a terrible mother. I wish that I knew going through with this pregnancy is right. I wish I could love you as much as you deserve to be loved and with all of my heart.

I lay down on the bed as they prepare for the procedure but as theyre about to begin I feel my stomach heave again. I roll onto my side and vomit over the side of the bed, my hand coming to rest on my stomach. Its as if you're trying to let me know you're really here. You're really a human being. You really are a life inside of me and not something I can throw away. The sickness made me realise you were inside of me and now its making me realise something completely different.

When the queasiness passes I make the biggest decision of my life and sit bolt upright still cradling my flat stomach. I look at the Doctor and Nurse and unashamedly let the tears fall from my eyes.

"I can't do this." I say simply and they nod.

"We'll give you a minute." The Doctor tells me quietly and both he and the nurse leave the room.

I look around the room at the equipment and can't believe what I was about to put myself through. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have that procedure done. How would I have been able to walk out of here knowing what I'd just done to my own baby? One that I would have terminated purely because I'm afraid. How could I have dealt with that physical and emotional pain? Maybe I deserve it for wanting to have the procedure and deciding to come here. What kind of a mother would do that just out of fear that she can't love?

I take a deep breath and trace my fingertips over my stomach gently.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper to my unborn child.

I quickly grab my clothes and change back into them as fast as I can. I need to leave this room...this whole clinic. I feel like I can't breathe for guilt.

I pick up my bag and open the door. The Doctor and Nurse nod at me and I smile softly at them and wipe my eyes. I then make my way to the doors not caring how I look with mascara down my cheeks, my hair bedraggled and half of the buttons undone on my shirt, all I care about is that my child is safe inside of me, and I know there's one place I need to go.

Just forty minutes later I'm lying on a bed in maternity, my shirt rolled up over my stomach and my trousers pulled down slightly ready for the cold gel. The butterflies are back again, this time because its all so real, I'm here to see my unborn baby. I need to see it so badly.

A young sonographer comes in and stops in her tracks when she notices me lying on the bed.

"Doctor Naylor. I must say I wasn't expecting to see you in the maternity department." She comments, then blushing when she realises how that probably sounded.

"Funny that, I wasn't expecting to have a need to be here either, but sometimes things don't work out how you expect them to." I reply sharply and regret it immediately.

She nods, still standing there timidly.

"Look I know you've probably heard a lot about me, things that aren't good and things which are probably true but I don't bite."

She looks at me warily.

"I'm here as a mother. I need to know if my baby's okay. Please?" I plead and I'm stunned to hear my voice break a little.

She nods and turns on the machine, preparing it for use. She then places the cold gel on my stomach making me jump a little.

"Sorry. I know its cold."

I nod, unable to bring myself to say anything more. The fear for my baby that I feel is so immense and the fear of motherhood is even more overwhelming. I really hope for my babys sake that I can be a good mother and I really hope the baby's okay. I don't know what I'd do if I'd gone through today and there was something wrong with it.

The young woman places the wand on my tummy and moves it around. To begin with I look away from the screen, the guilt I feel over almost having a termination tearing me apart inside but when she softly calls my name I turn to look at the screen and see the form of my unborn baby.

"It's so tiny." I whisper softly as I look at it, unable to tear my eyes away. Its a tiny little person and it's inside of me, safe and sound.

I then hear my babys heartbeat fill the room. A strong, healthy heart. The tears start to stream down my cheeks and I feel myself blush. Its so hard for me to cry in front of other people, particularly people here.

"You're almost twelve weeks pregnant Doctor Naylor and baby is fine. Perfectly healthy with a nice strong heart." she reassures me, freezing the picture on the screen.

"You're sure? everythings all right?" I ask.

"It's just perfect." She replies, handing me some tissues to wipe the gel off my stomach as she puts the wand away. "Would you like me to print you some pictures?"

I nod as I wipe the gel away as gently as I can, as if protecting my unborn child from my own touch. I really need to work on my self confidence.

"I'd also like to arrange some antenatal appointments." I tell her, the decision firm in my mind now I know that my baby is safe in my belly.

"Okay. I'll go and get you a pregnancy pack and we'll get some pictures and then get all of your appointments booked up. If you'll excuse me for a second..."

The sonographer leaves me alone in the room and I sit in awe staring at your image on the screen. Earlier today I was so sure that not having you was the best thing for us both but looking at you now I can feel just how wrong I was. Maybe I will have to learn to be a mother, but I know now that I won't have to learn to love you or learn how to want to give you all the best things in your life. I want you to have everything, health, happiness, all of the love I can possibly give you...and I honestly can't wait to come home to my little one after a day at work, breathing in that baby smell, bathing you, cuddling you, doing all of the things that I never got when I was a child.

I'm petrified of motherhood. I'm petrified of pregnancy. I'm petrified of everyone seeing me vulnerable and as a mother to be and then mother instead of Jac Naylor, Ice queen. I'm scared that you'll hate me, that I won't be as good at it all as I want to be...and I really do want to be a good mummy. I want to be really good at it and am so scared that I'll find it all too hard. What if I do? What if I do end up hurting you after all?

Then I think of baby Joe. A beautiful little boy named after your daddy. I remember what it was like to hold him, how it made me ache for a baby of my own. It made me wish for you holding him and as if my prayers were answered here you are inside of me, the biggest surprise of my life. As I think of that some of those fears melt away and as I look at your frozen image on the screen I feel a surge of love and protectiveness that I never thought possible.

I do love you baby Byrne and I know that your daddy will too. I promise I'll tell him. I promise you will never not know your daddy. I just need time myself to get used to my decision first. To get used to the idea of getting big, of people knowing, of having a baby thats going to be in my arms in just a few short months. I need to be selfish for a while and keep you all to myself. Then your daddy will know. I'll find some way to break the news to him and he will love you so much, though I can't promise he'll be civil to me. I do promise though that you will have two parents who love you and love you more than I was loved....more than I ever thought I could love someone. I'm so sorry for today baby. I'm sorry that I nearly lost you. My beautiful baby Byrne.


End file.
